Starting Over

The principal's assistant was waiting for me when I walked into my 6th period classroom and asked if I could meet with the principal at 3:45. I spent the rest of the day alternating between dread and eager anticipation...was I in trouble for something? Was I going to be rehired for the fall? Would it be full time or part time? By the time school ended I was a nervous wreck. I went to the downstairs teacher lounge a few minutes after school ended and he was already there. It was a quick meeting...I was out the door by 3:30.  So, here's the outcome: he said that "we" (whoever that is) put a lot of thought into it and decided to consolidate two part time positions into one full time position. That full time job will go to a teacher who has been there part time for a few years, so thanks for everything but you won't be needed next year. Hand shake, here's your letter, thanks for coming. Use me as a reference if you'd like. Super.

Honestly, I have mixed feelings. Part of me is sad (and a little worried about the future), but the other part is kind of relieved. I felt like a bit of a square peg, that puzzle piece that could and would never quite fit no matter how hard I tried. I was casually watching the job board for new openings, but I felt guilty about the possibility of betraying the school and my students by taking a public school job. My ninth graders have been begging me to come back and teach tenth in the hopes that they could be in my class again. I didn't want to abandon them...I love them all. Now the guilt has been removed--me leaving them is not by choice, or at least not by MY choice. I'll have to tell them so they'll know I'm not quitting on them. I can't tell them on the day of the final so it'll have to be either Thursday or Monday. I'm thinking Monday. UGH--it feels so weird knowing that I'm a short timer but also knowing that I have to suck it up and be the best darn teacher I can be during the little time I have left. Oh yeah, I have morning monitor duty on Thursday. Yay. They finally put MY name on the list instead of the teacher I replaced, at least. I was late showing up the first time because the chart had her name instead of mine and I didn't know I was supposed to do it.

So anyway, I've put in applications to two other schools. I'm not getting my hopes up, since for all I know they're just going through the motions because they have to even though they already know who they're going to hire (or rehire). It sucks to be jaded this early on! For now, I will pack up my stuff, turn in what belongs to the school, and smile and pretend it's all okay. No tears yet, but we'll see how I'm doing toward the end of summer if I haven't gotten any calls. One bright spot is that I now have a semester of teaching under my belt, which is more than you can say for the countless new teachers just out of college. I don't relish the idea of starting over with entirely new preps, but I'll do what needs to be done. My students deserve no less.